name: Tovey, Jill

Last month I drew a large suspension bridge in my bath, learned the exact location of every purple coloured food item in Tesco´s, and performed several covert operations for the CIA (Central Institution of Art).

My intricate illustration skills have earned me fame in the most respected botany circles and were once complimented by Steven Wonder himself.

I breed prize winning antelope in my dark room and have mastered the art of cooking a four course meal using only organic vegetables and a Pentium III.

I sleep once a week, and when I do sleep, I sleep in a hammock built by a secret colony of Japanese virgins who may or may not live on the corner of a hill in Tibet. Just left of there.

I can tread water for up to six days without perspiring and paint a replica Cistern Chapel in fourteen minutes.

You may see me around the Shire they call Gloucester, scaling walls or hurling paint brushes and pre-scanned watercolour textures at moving objects with deadly accuracy, or sat in the Cathedral gardens translating ethnic slurs for Inuit refugees.